1. Men are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
2. Every teenager should get a high school education. Even if they already know everything.
3. I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and think, "Well, that's not going to happen."
4. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
5. The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.
6. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder and cell phone camera these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to.
7. You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just sitting on two legs then you lean too far and you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.
8. According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman are their eyes. Women say the first thing they notice about men is they're liars."
9. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
10. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
11. Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?
12. In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
13. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first."
14. There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.
15. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
16. Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half for an appointment and he says, "I wish you'd come to me sooner."
17. "I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me."
2. Every teenager should get a high school education. Even if they already know everything.
3. I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and think, "Well, that's not going to happen."
4. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
5. The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.
6. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder and cell phone camera these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to.
7. You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just sitting on two legs then you lean too far and you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.
8. According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman are their eyes. Women say the first thing they notice about men is they're liars."
9. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
10. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
11. Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?
12. In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
13. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first."
14. There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.
15. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
16. Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half for an appointment and he says, "I wish you'd come to me sooner."
17. "I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me."
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